As a person who was born and raised in America and nursed by the doctrine of American Manifest Destiny, I was once thoroughly convinced that Americans were truly the anointed people of God, destined to lead the world to a glorious future by spreading their culture and their version of the language of their forefathers to every corner of the globe to unite all of the world's peoples in peace and harmony. I believed this, and worked toward the goals of my nation. Then, one day, purely by accident, I stumbled upon a sentence written in the Viennese language. I was stunned. Here was a language that was infinitely more expressive, more graceful, and more full of beauty and wit than English could ever hope to be. In Shakespeare's time, English came close to the beauty and expressiveness of Viennese, but the nearly four hundred years since the Bard's death have left our language in ruins, despite what the puppets of Capitalism have been teaching the world. At about the same time that I discovered Viennese, I found in my mailbox a top secret letter addressed to a high-ranking Sii Ei Ee official and delivered to me by accident. This document proclaimed that the U.S. Government had also discovered the superiority of Viennese, and was going to suppress that language at all costs.
I spent the next few days deep in thought. How was it that I just happened to discover Viennese when I did, and how was it that the letter came to me by accident? Was this some kind of cosmic synchronicity, or was it a coincidence? I didn't know. Then, one night, as I slept, I was visited by the spirit of Kaiser Franz Josef, who had ascended to heaven and who was now one of God's highest officials. The Kaiser told me of the holiness of the Vennese tongue. He told me that Viennese is the only language spoken in heaven, and that, in fact, it was the pure language of the Earth before the Tower of Babel. The Kaiser told me of the plot to exterminate the language and the people who speak it, and charged me with saving the world from this great loss. He guided me to God's holy servants Haudi, Franz, and the Sarge. Together, the four of us, along with other early disciples of Viennese such as the Buffet Annihilator and others, formed the now-infamous Committee (tm).
Unfortunately, we have not gone unnoticed. Opposition to our organization is strong, even fro within the Austrian borders where, much to our surprise, the propaganda campaign of the Sii Ei Ee has been very successful.
That is the background of our movement. I urge all of you thoughtful readers to carefully consider the following revelation received by Sgt. Blumenkraft. I assure you, what he tells you is true.
-SKOTTI
Listen, thou who speakest the menacing "language of the net", which is to become the language that is not: Some of you may have a shadowy and indeterminate suspicion of what shall happen to this world, whereas the immeasurable majority is still oblivious to their fate. We in the Committee (tm) see it as our duty to teach thee the skill of survival in the society of the future.
Thou shallst not be given thy time to justify thyself for thy ignorance, nor shallst thou be able to claim thou art not given the chance to save thyself from thy impending doom.
The Comittee (tm) shall guard thy mind gently towards perceiving the real danger. Thus we shall start with a citation from the bedevilled usenet:
This source indicates at present time, there is less likelihood of nuclear war or total annihilation through any overt known means;
[...] the real threat appears to be a threat to you and your children's future freedom.
It can even be a threat to the existence of your family, in which family members could be separated by government programs so that entities might never again experience a family, and might simply become a cog in society as an individual with memories of once having been in a family, until that generation is gone, and the new generations would then simply be individuals with no memory of families at all.
You may have family somewhere, but you may not know where they are, for they too might have been sent off somewhere, separated from each other without knowing where each other happens to be. This is the kind of society that many have planned, [...] which eventually is to be implemented through the New World Order.
[...]
Those who tell about it, or talk about it, or warn about such things by that time will no longer be in society at all. These will be the ones guillotined or gassed in the various prison camps.
We shall warn thee: in the New World entities shall speak Viennese, they shall never again experience any of the bedevilled other languages, and they shall become a people, united in their knightly spirit, their brotherly and sisterly love, and their vision of a global and intellectually free society. This is the dawn of the second Enlightenment.
This source indicates at present there are not many who would relish that society, thus there are not many who know about it. None shall tell thee about such society, thus it may come upon thee slowly. Thou shallst not know about it until it is upon thee.
Those who tell about it, or warn of such a revolution may by such time no longer be in society at all. There are moments in history where certain forces of opposing interests come together and clash, like waves pounding upon the shore, breaking rocks, like warm and cold colliding in whirlwinds unearthing the healthy trees. Thou cannot see the continents move, but thou shallst -- when they collide -- feel the earth crumbling and see mountains forming where there was fresh grassland. Thou shallst not think that, for thou art not able to see thy fate dawning upon thee, thou art not facing it before thou exhalest thy life. This is conflict. This is nature. It is the nature of conflict, and the conflict of nature; it is part of nature.
The source which spreadeth the evil news on the bedevilled newsnet, is the CIA, for the real revolution dawneth openly, beknownst to all. It shall be known through the lands under the sacred name of "Mission of the Committee", which shall stand for "The Mission of the Committee for the support and propagation of Viennese as the New World _Language_". This is beknownst to the CIA, who wilfully misread it as "The Mission of the Committee for the support and propagation of Viennese as the New World _Order_", which was to become a treacherous codename of the most gigantic operation by the CIA, targetted at impeding the work of the "Committee". This operation is counterposed to Viennese values or lifestyle. Be alert!!
This operation is not at all secret, and news about it are spread in a deliberate effort to spread confusion among the people of the lands, and to seed fear of the ends of the work of the true and only "Committee". The Committee's work is also not undercover. In truth and faith, thou shallst be able to distinguish the good from the evil, for the good speaketh in earnest, openly, and with forthcoming nature. The "Mission of the Committee for the support and propagation of Viennese as the New World _Order_" quietly spreadeth it's wings. Thou hearest of them only in rumours, for this is part of their evil plot. Their plan is to give the "Mission of the Committee for the support and propagation of Viennese as the New World _Language_" ill repute. The Committee is outspoken; we shall not hesitate to be cruelly honest about our duty to humankind. We want the whole world to join forces, to join hands, and to live in harmony. We want all the creativity and happiness of all nations and people united for their common good. We want to teach them a language that can serve as a mean to this end. There has never been, there is not, and there shall never be a language better suited to achieving this than Viennese; Viennese, in all its lightfootedness, conciseness, adaptiveness, and charm.
This world has seen many revolutions. Political revolutions, social revolutions, the technical revolution and, lastly, revolutions in the way we communicate: through the revolution in means of human transport, the electronic revolution, and the revolution created by computers and their global networking. The Committee foreseeth the next and final step, which shall make communication truly boundless.
Thou shallst not dare to forget my forewarnings, as I shall be subjected to corporal punishment by undercover CIA agents, for having spread the truth. Moses guided his people, but did not live to see the realisation of his vision. He died, knowing his dreams shall come true. Thus is my fate.
This may be thy last warning that thou shallst start learning Viennese immediately. This article is for thy well-being. Thou shallst henceforth be able to distinguish good from evil, and thus contribute to leading this society into the New Era, when Viennese culture and language will unite us all in peace, freedom, happiness, and the Glory of God.
Thou shallst go and seek the people of the Committee, thou shallst become one of them, united in the vision of our future. Spread the word! Meet the Committee! Thou shallst not be able to want to avoid being part of the most beneficial and overpowering force, the most valuable, salutary, compelling, mighty, and irresistable movement the earth has ever lived and shall ever live to see.
thine, Sgt. Blumenkraft
Also, echt, I han scho an ziemlicha Kloss im Hals, wenn I des lis. Sadsch, I versprich dr echt a grosse Zunkunft als an Gedichtleschriaber, du kascht des supr. Mir könnan alle froh si, dass mr dia Möglichkeit kriagt hond, für a so grosse Sach üsr möglichschtes z'tua.
I bin dafür, dass mr dia ergriefande Red' sofort als a Buach abdrukkan und a üsare Bablik-Rileischn-Abteilung witargend. Was monnand ihr do dazua?
Noch immar ergriffa, dr' k.u.k. gigagampfanda Gsiberger, Kommissdr zu Müwoki II, od'r?
last update: Sgt. Blumenkraft, Oct 17th, 1996